Old Wounds Still Bleed

I don’t know why I do this myself. I watch the stupid videos on YouTube about people’s stories with eating disorders. I used to do this quite frequently but I do not do it nearly as much anymore. I find it too depressing because 98% of them were caught almost immediately and they got help and had a brief recovery and their lives are normal now or they are dead. It makes me so happy that they were able to recover so quickly but then what about me? 

 In the past several days I have had multiple meltdowns over food.. The last couple days have been challenging. I am so very anxious.. I randomly just get where I cannot breathe. It happens anytime I am not empty..I just cannot seem to feed myself. Unless it’s sweet tart gummies or Hershey’s chocolate eggs and Diet Coke. Even that leaves me panicking. I managed something mid morning but I really needed something for this evening. My freezer is overflowing with food, you cannot fit anything else inside it, and even thawed meat to make tacos. I figured I would have a better chance of finding something to eat if I just want to grab something. I live in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the woods so it’s dark outside at night. A lot of times I will go through my bedroom door to leave at night so I don’t wake my grandmother.

Everytime I go anywhere and its not super hot I take my baby girl with me. She’s so used to going with me it’s just second nature to her she’s used to it. Normally I buckle her up in the passenger seat and then go around and get in the driver side. It was really dark and I got kind of freaked out so I  got in the passenger side and crawled through. Usually I double check her seatbelt and make sure its locked and tuck her tail in under her back leg or I remind her to pick her tail up. She always does I don’t have to remind her except tonight… I closed the door she started crying and I thought for sure her tail was broken. Immediately after she started wagging it but I still felt like a horrible mother. Then I just lost it and I couldn’t stop crying because I felt so horrible. I was already in the battle to try to get dinner and then I hurt my sweet baby… So I spent the entire way driving into town bawling my eyes out. Not just for her tail but because of food too. I never cry but lately I’m a fountain… And it’s almost all over food. I haven’t cried over food in like 7 years why all the sudden is this happening?

I have had an eating disorder for 14 years I am only 25 years old. Over half of my life has been lost to starvation, depression, wanting to die, trying to make myself die, crying out for help, getting help and then having to convince them that I really was sick, and being stuck frustrated not knowing how to get completely back.

When you come out of an eating disorder you have to have a frame of reference for normal, well it makes things much easier anyway. My eating disorder started so young I don’t…When you leave the old behaviors behind you either have to forge a brand new path or return to before the disorder started. The earliest memories I have of my life are hating my body, hating food and the struggle to be enough.

I just don’t know what to do. My therapist and I have discussed this at great length and she seems to believe that what I’m doing now might be how it is forever. That’s not okay for me because how I am now is seriously going to f*** up a child someday and I can’t live with myself knowing that I’m going to pass this on to my kid. Other than my child dying before me that’s my biggest fear is to have to watch them suffer through this. I am tough as hell and no matter what life throws at me I will survive. I may not want to but I will.

What if I pass this on to my sweet angel and they died from it? I could not exist on this earth if that was the case.

I try, I really do, I try all the time to do better to do my best and to make progress but I’ve been stalled for the last 6 years in the same spot. I’m at the age where kids are not that far off but the idea of them alone with me and all my problems scares the hell out of me. They deserve two parents and healthy mother that will be a good example for them. They may or may not already be alive ( I plan to adopt for those of you who don’t know) and the decks already stacked against them. I will do my damndest to be the best example for them possible but actions speak louder than words. My mother never told me to hate my body she hated hers so I learn from that.

Even if my kids are adopted they will still have an elevated risk because of me. Even if the genetics aren’t there (but being adopted I won’t be able to guarantee that) I will be their example and I will do my best to be a positive example and their role model. I will try so hard to show them they are beautiful and perfect in every way and that it’s okay to mess up and to have bad days and to not be perfect and it doesn’t change how I feel about them. I’ve loved them for so long I’ve loved them my entire life and it hurts how much I love them.
 

If I could strike a deal with God I would say just let me suffer from this for the rest of my life if it means they’re spared. But it doesn’t work that way.

I

‘m too old now I have a life and responsibilities and my girls and work and school and bills to pay but 10 years ago I should have gone to residential treatment ,several times,!actually. I had to claw my way back from death and knock on the door and put on a good argument to convince them I was sick and that I did not just want attention. Then after all this they got angry at me for telling them all this and they blamed me. When I told my psychiatrist that I could no longer keep myself safe and he decided to hospitalize me. I got chewed out and they told me that I ” finally got what I wanted”.

Got what I wanted? I never asked to not have a moment’s peace in relation to food for 14 years. I never asked for this, I never wanted this. The only thing I wanted and needed in order to save my life was for my parents to step up, to fight for me. They never did and even to this day I would die under their care for this because they don’t get it and they don’t want to. I never asked for parents who neglected me. By law I could have been taken away from them for medical neglect. I even know a girl that lives by me that was for that.

I was medically neglected and that’s child abuse. Then at the same time I had brand new name brand clothes, went on extravagant vacations, and I got to play sports competitively by traveling all over the state. I knew what my parents did was not right but child abuse and my parents don’t belong in the same sentence. I grew up in a good home they taught me the right values, made me go to church, wear my seatbelt, take responsibility for my actions and other than the eating disorder they kept me safe and healthy. I never did without anything ever in my entire life but I was still neglected. That’s really hard for me to say because other than with therapists I’ve never said it out loud before.

They did a lot of things right almost everything, really except two things: not addressing my eating disorder when I told them about it and making such a huge deal about money.

If we ever needed shoes or clothes or anything we got it immediately. 98 percent of what we wanted we got immediately but when it came to going to the doctor it was a huge deal. We have always had health insurance but for some reason the doctor was a huge deal. It was such a huge deal that I often didn’t tell my parents about various medical issues because going to the doctor was such a big deal. Even if something got bad enough to tell them they would often dismiss it and act like it was no big deal. The reality is I don’t complain ( not in real life anyway :-p) so if I do mention something then it is very serious and it needs to be addressed.

My parents are just very fortunate that I’m not dead because I should be.

The first time my parents found out I had issues I was 12. I was hurting and scared and angry and I had no clue what was going on. So I lashed out at them because their answer to everything was to ground me. They kept me locked in my room and away from my friends with no phone. This greatly exacerbated the problem. I went to a therapist for a short period of time but they wanted me to go on medication and my mom was 100 percent against it. Then a couple years later I realized that I had an eating disorder. With the help of a friend I told them about it. It took me months and months and months to get the courage to talk to them about it. They appeared receptive and concerned until my friend left. Then the blame game started I was trying to get attention and I was fine. They got angry, very angry and I was crushed.

At 14 I had to do this on my own.  So I let it run free and prayed I would die. A year later a teacher that I had confided in told the school nurse and she called me in her office and asked if it was true. I lied and told her no. I did not want to have to deal with my parents again being angry at me for this. But two years later I was going to kill myself. I had  unsuccessfully attempted to starve myself to death, have a heart attack from electrolyte imbalance or just something horrible happened and kill me. All these plans had failed some pills would have to do. I had the pills, the place and a plan. Due to unforeseen circumstances I was unable to carry out my plan and the next day it snowed. Snow has always been a breath of fresh air for me.

I contacted my teacher that told on me before and asked for her help. It was as horrible as I had expected they were angry and they blamed me. Somehow by being born genetically predisposed having having anxiety, depression and an eating disorder was my fault. I did eventually get treatment at a clinic for a short period of time but my parents drug their feet the whole way.

I know that if (god forbid) my child ends up with an eating disorder I’ll be their biggest advocate and I will walk through the depths of hell with them. Whatever they need they will get it no matter the cost. If that means I have to stay up all night to monitor them, check heartrates, pulse ox, if I have to become the food police and if the only way is to let someone else that has medical experience take them for a while then we’ll do it.

My sweet angel you are priceless and I promise to do whatever it takes to help you. No matter the condition or circumstance you find yourself in you are worth it and no amount of money in the world is more valuable than you.

How is it its all these years later and I still feel 13 and stuck? Its the same struggle 12 years later. I have a college diploma and im fixing to have a masters.. The same adolescent problems the plague me. I still feel 13 and out of control…. I still feel out of control. Like I’m doing all the wrong things even though I’m not I’m an adult now and I can decide what I want to do. The only thing I ever do is work and school I don’t even do anything bad.